Sunday, March 11, 2018

Inside The Mind - Dr Pradnya Ajinkya

Kailash -- Husband
I really wish someone wakes up my wife and brings her to the reality of this marriage. We clearly have difference in thoughts about the expected lifestyle we are in after marriage. I am willing to get her married to anyone of her choice. She may be upset for a short duration, but will recover with time. This is something that doesn’t happen commonly but can become right later.

Sayli -- Wife
I am saddened by the fact that my husband is preparing mentally to leave me. This is the same man who would lament to himself that he would never find another Sayli. Today, he has forgotten what he looked like then. I virtually live in a fairy tale world.  It wouldn’t be a stretch to say that to me marriage is the first word I understand after mummy and papa. I am horrified to discover his hidden thoughts about remarrying me to someone else. Are these thoughts a natural extension of how things have been in his mind even before he married me?  Here’s the kicker, though — I am halfway through my pregnancy. Even just talking this right now, almost seems like a terrible nightmare. I am gravely injured and I can’t think. He believes that I will stay in our home and deliver the child. I believe that reconciliation may be possible and melt his heart when the child is involved.  Please help me. My karmic destiny!

It’s so unclear if that the husband is still going through with the divorce, despite the birth.....

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

WALK-AWAY SYNDROME By Dr. Pradnya Ajinkya

Lovely : My husband wants out of the marriage. It is so heartfelt because this is the same man who was once in that exact place. I am still committed in the marriage and would like to stay and look at the problems and fix it. 

Sabath : I don’t know how to salvage my relationship. She isn’t aware or doesn’t understand how her actions affect me. My anger drove a wedge so far between my wife and I, when she thought of even touching me, I wanted to vomit. "We have fallen out of love."

Lovely : I don’t mean to be harsh or uncaring. But he won’t talk to me positively about our marriage and remains as confused as I am and wants to quit. What should I do ? Is this domestic violence ?

Sabath : I may be confused because I live in the fear of the unknown all the time and my core is shaken. Feel controlled and judged all the time by Lovely.

Lovely : I love Sabath, but I have deep insecurities of losing him. Always feel confused and terrified by abandonment.  

Sabath : I am afraid of her unpredictable emotional state and high levels of jealousy. Giving constant approvals to everything is like a vocation for me. Our community social networks are big and cluttered and she can get angry before anyone for no reason. 

Lovely : I am hyper vigilant with money because I want Sabath to buy a home for us. When he is in the midst of women, I feel very anxious and say things which should not be and everyone around feel I am judgemental. For sure I feel terrified by abandonment, but if he decides to leave me like what happened to me in my previous marriage, I want no one’s help. I will turn into a ghost and haunt him. 

Sabath : The downside of this security (it’s just about impossible to live together as a family) happened since the last four months. Though we are both viewed as good people and secure in social standing, I am always worried about her stiffed speech, distrust and emotional-driven misinterpretations. I am not the same Sabath today. I feel mentally threatened and humiliated. I have moved into the adjoining bedroom without her consent. 

Lovely : Sabath is always ruminating on the past issues instead of reminding himself that marriage is a legal obligation. I will not spare him. He will regret this for what brought him to this juncture and the stubbornness he used to lash himself with and stop him from moving forward will be viewed as unfair and punished further.

1] The description of the way Sabath and Lovely operated while they were dealing with rejected suitors ended up with further anger issues only leading to desperation and extreme stress for both partners. 

2] If we knew our remarriage was going to end in disaster management, we are sure that we would not get into this marriage, they would keep saying very often. 

3] The sessions investigated the relation between spouses’ and styles of conflict resolution. Even though the couple recalled old and new conflict episodes they also made effort to observe different conflict conversations. 

4] The intimate couple were trained for different approaches to conflict resolution which included active listening skills, neutral language, and reframing techniques to understand the feelings that drive the other person. 

5] The troubling thing is the persistent fascination for fighting and arguing. Fighting became dramatic while peaceful disputing boring.

6] Intimacy requires high levels of trust. Vulnerability requires great transparency of feelings. Intimacy requires that the partners feel understood by each other as well as accepted, admired and loved. 

7] So when we analyze how people conduct disputes with each other’s approaches that may lead to resolution of the dispute, can leave the relationship damaged and may not work.

8] If someone feels wounded after a dispute she/he may withdraw from the relationship and the consequences for the relationship though negative, are not necessarily fatal. The person in conflict may leave for some time, but if they are fired or threatened further, then they quit. 

9] a] So, in the marriage of Sabath and Lovely, one partner experiences defeat at the hands of the other, or as that partner feels attacked and diminished in the eyes of the other and the relationship suffers. 

b] Lovely : If I lose my trust that my partner will not hurt me, I become more cautious which means I want to be less vulnerable. Thus I begin to reveal harsh feelings.

c] Sabath : If I feel it is dangerous to my self esteem to raise difficult issues with my partner, I will avoid conflicts even as I become more resentful and begin to withdraw.

d] Sabath : As I feel less connected I find myself with a diminished sexual interest in my partner. And so the marriage slowly erodes until one day I, typically say "We have "fallen out of love. There is no intimacy left between us and so there is no passion any more. We have grown apart. I think it can’t work and I can’t take this anymore.”

e] Both may be very dear to each other, yet the marriage for the current situation is in a chronic dysfunctional state due to threats (arising from lack of conflict resolution skills) and not because of any threat of domestic violence which can become more resentful, and there is a possibility of any one spouse withdrawing for safety (walk-away-syndrome).

Monday, January 15, 2018

Runaway Husband - By Dr Pradnya Ajinkya

1] After knowing each other for nine years we both agreed that, we are in love and happy to be tying the knot. 

2] But after a few months of the marriage, things changed. The decline was particularly steep because of non consummation of the marriage and the course of true love ran downhill.

3] The irony is that even as the marital satisfaction declined, the likelihood of wanting to divorce did not arise and instead declined and we wanted to seek help from a psychologist/sexologist. There were occasions to note that we were not miserable together and we were looking forward to a change in general happiness in spite of no sex. For me the biggest predictor of overall life satisfaction was my spouse. 

4] Not surprisingly, it is only me who currently bears the heaviest cost of becoming his wife. I can remember how he left me by bringing home a so-called-police to move him and his belongings out on a date we were scheduled to meet the counsellor. He disconnected me from my work place and friends and colleagues and left me alone in a foreign country. My core world was feeling like shrinking. 

5] His successful launch as a husband was when he invited me back to Canada to renegotiate and got all the necessary papers transferred in his name, after which he just disappeared and finally left me to struggle with all the responsibilities alone in a foreign country. He believed that once he left, everything ends, it is done and there is no need to talk about it.

6] This one act has done untold amounts of damage to my psyche. All of these acts/changes led to fundamental and long-lasting effects on me including my aging parents who rushed to Canada to bring home to India their emotionally and mentally broken child. 

7] The relationship strain became so serious that it associated with many serious physical health problems as well as symptoms of depression and other mental health problems. 

8] With all the problems and pain, I wanted to continue in the marriage and tried communicating with him over email, calls and what’s app and finally he rejected/blocked me. 

9] I am recovering from severe psychiatric disturbances and shocked as I remember my own symptoms and behaviour during the episode and tragic event when he left me alone. There is a common belief that ‘it can’t happen to me and there was no hint or sign that it could even happen.’ What can happen if we reunite?


1] Husband gets emotionally distant?

2] Living in emotional prisons because you tend to get disconnected from the spouse and self?

3] Before he decides to have sex, things have to be right?

4] Some couples wait and not allow pressures to stand in the way of marital bliss?

5] If non consummation is a manifestation of marital disorder, it is logical to direct treatment at the marriage. 

6] A proportion of unconsummated marriages are unlikely to be altered by any approach by those where one or both partners show gross psycho sexsual immaturity or deviation, complete lack of motivation, deliberate dissimulation or overt hatred and contempt.

7] (T) : Can this be a focal point of your life? Is it the total story? 

(V) : He seems to show no remorse and treats me like a total stranger. 

(T) : In an earthquake also one can get abandoned. It can be considered a major tragedy. 

(V) : I suffered a major tragedy, abandonment and rejection

(T) : In a remarkable twist of fate, we are with our loving parents in the current situation. 

(V) : I am alive because I get my will power from parents. I want to find true happiness by living with people who care, love and will never desert me.


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