Counselling Changes Lives ........... By Dr Pradnya Jayant Ajinkya
SPOTTING HIDDEN MEANINGS
Sarah 41, has no reason for suspecting her husband. She accuses her husband of infidelity. It is a devastating way for Sarah to live viewing the world and her marriage through a hyper vigilant lens. The couple are seen in counselling for a couple of weeks to overcome her fear and build intimacy with her husband. In therapy Sarah admits that she was cheated in the past by her boy friends. She also mistrusted her father who cheated on her mother for years.
DEALING WITH THE FEAR OF DEATH
Suzanne 22, is seen in counselling to regain normalcy after the death of her close friend. She has just returned home from a funeral where she saw her close friend dead. She finds herself terrified most of the time, even at home and college. This stops her from enjoying life and performing even her daily routines.
Jai and Gauri are seen in counselling for conflict resolution. They are engaged in conflict and they slash words at each other like swords. Their relationship is injured and resentment builds.
COMMUNICATION AVOIDANCE : CORE ISSUE
Subash and Surabhi are seen in therapy for explosive conflict resolution. The couple stop all discussion with each other. The assumption behind this approach is that talking about the problem will cause an argument. They feel that time is the healer and soon it will cease to be an issue. Unfortunately, the emotion associated with the unresolved conflicts accrued over time and this set them in an explosive conflict.
DIVISION BETWEEN THE HAVE'S AND HAVE NOT'S
Suma and Bijoy were married in the middle of turmoil in a small village. Her mother agreed to get them married but she dictated every term to Bijoy. He followed her orders since he wanted to marry Suma. After a few days Bijoy realised that both the mother and daughter were authoritative. He was so scared of losing his wife that he would bend on one knee and silently obey. One day Bijoy was seen crying and restless. His wife told the counsellor/therapist that her husband was always so calm and patient. She was surprised to see her husband turn unreasonable, sullen, withdrawn and emotionally unavailable now.
FINDING EACH OTHER OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Sakshi and Joe have difficulty in dealing with their disconnect. They take it as a sign of an unhappy and unhealthy marriage. The couple decide to address their issues in counselling before deciding to meeting a legal counsel.
CROSSROADS : TOUGH QUESTIONS
Bali decides to tell Sweetie that he will end his relationship. Sweetie abuses and threatens Bali emotionally and makes him feel lesser than a human being. Tired of her nasty behavior Bali takes a ton of courage and prepares for the possibility of leaving the relationship. Sweetie decides to alter her offending behavior. Bali ignores her call and decides to come to terms with his decision for himself and nobody else.
Rathi's in-laws do not support her. Her doctor husband is an alcoholic. She believes that she has a right to stand up for herself. Rathi believes that she is the only one in this abusive person's life and if she leaves, he may commit suicide. She is of the firm opinion that she does not want to terminate the relationship. She may want to put her needs first but her in-laws feel that it is never the right thing to do and this is a selfish act.
EMOTIONAL COMPETENCY -- A
Vineet : I thought that Shuba's bad behavior was a result of something I did. Every day I was told about all my personal details and dairies of the day. I would be called a bluff if I did not listen to every horrible thought she had about me. She would hold things over my head. And I would apologize. I felt crazy. One day, I told her, “So what”?” and “Who cares?” and “Go ahead.” Do what you like. Keep stalking me, you crazy woman..... I broke out of the relationship. I said no more. I said, I had enough. I learned new ways and I did new things and I learned to stop and be healthy. I had to learn to not give the same knee jerk reactions and to stop and think and say something/do something differently. It was hard work but not as hard as continuing to be beat down by the same old behaviour extended to me. I grew healthy and learned to march to my own dreams and live in my own life in my new tune.
EMOTIONAL COMPETENCY -- B
Sunayana -- My six year old relationship collapsed. She explained that she was caught up with a friend and she would keep a watch over every move of him constantly. When he moved away, she would panick. He was honest with her. She yelled at him. She had repeated displays of the same insecurities and maifested in stalking and touching his personal life. He became tired of always being wrong and being treated like a lesser human being. He left her finally. He hates her for stalking. She would try telling him that she felt desperate about his health and well being since he was her loved one. And he called her crazy. She became very restless because he refused to get back. She termed him incompetent and non trust worthy. She became anxious. She could not defend her anxiety. She felt helpless and impotent. She came to therapy. She was advised to work with effective anxiety management tools. She could not control. She would go through a series of rapid phases. She would become angry and agitated. She would repeat the same pattern again and again. Finally, she lapsed into depression and despair.
Raj offered to help her but was clear about not getting back with her. He explained that she generated a lot of stress to him. She has a lot to say about me when she is in a power struggle. I have to just listen carefully and ask no questions. She was a skilled manipulator, artful and intimidating, and excellent in distorting reality. Whatever I did had a limited effect.I attempted to rationalize this behavior. She was so possessive. I became tired. She would tell me that I am only concerned about you. It's not you. I don't trust others.
1] It is natural to be in control of your own life.
2] Wanting to be in control of other people and their lives is threatening.
3] Can't rest until you get your way.
4] The compulsive behavior is a part of the cluster of behaviors characterized by inability to trust others and fear of their flaws exposed.
5] The behavior was there even before meeting someone.
6] You can expect the least from such people.
7] Within such people is a good measure of paranoia.
8] A comfortable distance has to be maintained so that you remain centered while you talk to them.
9] Notice how you feel when speaking to them. Be patient and calm.
10] These people are angry and afraid to let go of you.
11] By rationalizing their behavior, you are ensuring their continuation.