Friday, September 23, 2016

Rain and rainbows : Finding comfort in your marriage By Dr. Pradnya Ajinkya

Case: Sunil finds a letter his wife wrote to a friend praising him and saying that  she feels an insurmountable void and sense of sadness when she remembers him and misses him.   When he got home that night and she served him dinner, he held her hand and said that he wanted to tell her something. He did not know how to confront her about the letter but he had to ask her about her feelings towards him. Then he calmly asked her, "Do you want to leave me"? She finds him crazy and depressed. Sunil wonders if this is normal behavior. Sunil wishes everything is better but six months later he finds another letter from his wife written to another friend saying that she feels an insurmountable void and sense of sadness when she remembers him and misses him. He can't wait to see if it really makes a difference in his relationship and decides that she wants to end this marriage. The hardest part of it all is her loving expressions in the marriage and the then her 180 degrees swing praising other men and writing letters to them.

Therapist: Try not to react either way. Seek help to recognize and break free from old patterns within the relationship, and to enhance communication with each other more effectively without causing offence. Writing a letter to a friend has formed a constant background to the depressed persons life. We have to remember that such feelings are all-consuming. On the whole, Sunil who experiences hurt and insult feels as if his life is spiraling out of his control. He feels unable to cope with his  relationship or any additional demands placed upon him. The main thing at this point of time that the partner in concern should want, is to feel better. The woman who had spent 12 years of her life with Sunil had become a stranger. Meghana felt sorry for her wasted resources and energy and wept loudly. Sunil and Meghana were asked to write something about feeling better in their relationship. They both decided that they would enter into a planned exercise and would struggle to live as normal a life as possible. They decided that they would talk to each other and hold each other for a few seconds each day without any discussion on the above topic. The couple as requested for a month's duration did the exercise. The first day they felt clumsy and withdrawn. The second day they felt better. By the seventh day they both waited for each other to talk and they prayed together. The words in the prayer brought a sense of pain in both of them.  Sunil and Meghana looked at each other and realized that they were graying. The responsibilities of the marriage had taken a toll on them. They realized that the everyday workout made them stronger and happier. Finally, on the 30th day she presented him with a closed envelope. It was a letter addressed to him. She wrote that she did not feel insurmountable void and sense of sadness when she remembers him and did not miss him.
Suddenly it hit him... The previous letters were also meant for him but she did not want to bury her pain and bitterness in her heart against him so would address the letters to unknown multiple people. The couple realised how close they were to success and decided they would never give up. “You are never too old to set a new goal or dream a new dream.” ~ C. S. Lewis ...

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